I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
