If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
