I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
As shirtless as possible
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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