Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize