Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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