my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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