i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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