Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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