I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
