People with herpes should wear stickers.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
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