I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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