Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize