Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I met the friendliest cop last night
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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