The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
