I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
