eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
