I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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