You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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