Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
