you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
