We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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