Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
