I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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