So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
