textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
