it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize