so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
