I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
