life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
