p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
