They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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