So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize