pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
