My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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