If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
