wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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