I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
