Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
