I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
