I am puke
I seem to have left my pride at pride
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
