I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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