I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
