The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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