If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
