I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
