I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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