get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
