I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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