I have demons in me.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
