Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
