I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
