my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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