after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize