Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
