i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
