One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize